Kuruvi - Where Eagles Dare and No one Else Should!

Few films leave you stunned, stupefied and fumbling for words when you sit down to write about it. Maybe it's because picking your thoughts and arranging them in a logical order is not possible after being through near 3 hours of massacre of precious Grey Cells. Presenting Kuruvi - Where Eagles Dare!

Let's start not at the beginning of the film but 6 months ago, when Dharanai would have knocked the doors of Vijay (as Bosey would put it Vijay Saar to fans). Presenting a One Act Play on "Making of Kuruvi"

Dharani: Hey, I have a brilliant script in my mind which flashed through my mind after spending 4 years in Gultland and watching nothing but Gult movies.

Vijay: Ooh, Is it a remake of some Gult movie? Nowadays they are charging high rates for the rights.

Dharani: Dont worry, its not a remake of ONE Gult movie, but at least 6 of them at last count. And with each iteration, the count increases (Snorts)

Vijay: That's great! Will it have scope for me to show my acting prowess? Actually I am enjoying every moment of showing off my histrionic skills while shooting for my next film ATM, where you know I play a double role. I've differentiated the two roles brilliantly, there is even a negative shade to one of the characters. I even spoke Hindi lines for the first time like "Andheri Mein Accident Hua, Ambulance Bhejao!" with such ease that it would put SRK to shame. I am sure my fans will lap it up. Finally this will show that eunuch Ajith that I can act better than him. Muhahahahahaha....With ARR composing the music and with my dancing skills, nothing can go wrong....Muhahahahaha

Dharani: (Torn between Laughter, Bewilderment and Diplomacy opts for the last one as it is most lucrative here)
I am happy to hear that. After all, the director is my assistant. The 'Ghilli' team can't go wrong.

Vijay: That's True. That reminds me, some ill-wishers are sneering that I've not given a true blockbuster which everyone enjoyed after Ghilli. They say that the fact that Thirupachi ran for 175 days is proof that man descended from apes. They say Sivakasi ran moderately only because their eyes couldn't bear the dazzle of Vikram's colourful Lungis in Maja. About the fate of Aathi and Sachin, dont even ask. They can't appreciate my generosity in promoting an upcoming hero like Ravi Krishna by acting in a small Guest Role which lasted for only 2 hours in a film that bore my character's name. And they even claim Gults are sneering at Pokkiri and say I am not Hero-Material compared to Mahesh Babu. 'These Gults are Crazy People!' (Tink! Tink! a la Obelix)

Dharani: Yes they are, but we need them to make films which run, so that we can copy it ditto from heroine to costume like Jayam Raja so beautifully does and then claim, we changed the script to suit Tamil Audience like P Vasu said after improvising Manichitrathaazhu.

Vijay: Hmm. OK, I've to get into my character now. Let's meet after ATM releases.

(Scene Shifts to 3 months later; sometime after Deepavali)

Sanjay (Vijay's Son): Dinam Dinam Dinam Deepaavaleeeeee....
Vijay: Shut Up, Sanjay. If you want sing Deepavali Songs, Sing "Deepavali, Deepavali, Deepavali Nee thaandi".
Dharani: Vijay Saar, Happy Deepavali!

Vijay: Ennayya Happy Deepavali, ATM has bombed badly. And worse, the rare breed of honest critics are panning it and raising a hue and cry over my inability to act. They are accusing me of murdering ARR's music. Is that my mistake? My fans love me doing all those gimmicks with my legs during dances. So I complied. My fans are used to Item Numbers after Interval. So i roped in Namitha. Now, Hollywood is threating to sue me for comparing her with Marylyn Monroe. I think I'll fly 2 US and apologize to her before she goes to the court.

Dharani: Uh, Sir, she's dead for more than 40 years.

Vijay: WHAT? Oh, good, one headache gone. And how many years since (looks into a sheet of paper) Jennifer Lopez died?

Dharani: Sir, he is alive and kicking ass.

Vijay: Oh no, I am done for. Even she is in the long list of people threatening to sue me. Not to mention the distributors who are out for my blood for "overpricing this piece of shit" in their own words. (Starts weeping)

Dharani: Dont worry Sir! I have the right recipe for you. The trouble with ATM was You tried to act. It's clear people dont want to put you into such difficulty. That's why I have just the right film for you where you just need to be there. It's called (holds his breath) "KURUVI"

Vijay: Ennathu Kuruviya? ( A reaction echoed later by the CM when he heard the title. The producer is First Grandson of the State) And why Kuruvi?

Dharani: Kuruvi is a guy sent abroad to places like Malaysia to smuggle stuff into an out of the country.

Vijay: Sounds cool. Whats the story?

Dharani: Your father, lets bring in Manivannan. He played the dad's role in Sivaji. So he will be ur Dad 2. Well, your dad is enslaved in a Quarry in Cuddapah along with hundreds of other workers who are subject to ill-treatement and torture under the hands of the local MLA Konda Reddy. Let's bring in Ashish Vidyarthi to play this role. He was villain to Rajni in Baba. On top of all this is Kocha, the villanous multimillionaire from Malaysia, who also happens to be the MLA's partner in quarry and the heroine's brother too. We can make his wife a mother-like figure to the heroine, who is engaged to Konda Reddy's brother! See how smartly I am linking stuff up. No one has tried anything like this. For Kocha's role we can bring in Suman. After all, he was the villain of Sivaji.

Vijay: Sounds just the role for me. Let the people be reminded that Ghilli was our previous outing together. So let's get Trisha as heroine. The movie should have chases with me holding Trisha's hands, just like Ghilli. Let Vidyasagar compose music, just like Ghilli. Let the opening song match my previous intro songs just like any one of my movie. It should not have any reason to be in the movie. So that, latecomers get value for their money.
There should be a theme which is similar to that of Ghili. Al the songs should easily reach across to the common man. Can we have the same songs as in Ghilli?

Dharani: That would'nt work with the urban masses.

Vijay : O, they come to my movie? In that case, we can have all songs almost similar in tune and situation to Ghilli. Make a song similar to Asai Asai from Dhool. In particular, there should be a kuthu number like Appidi Podu. Lets rope in Anuradha Sriram and KayKay again. We can even have the familiar "O-oo-oo" sequence in the song.

Dharani: What else sir?

Vijay: Nothing much. It should have the standard 5 songs, 5 fights routine.

Dharani: Sir, I was thinking about making potshots at our Thala (Vijay frowns), I mean Ajith by having you race on a car which can't move unless pushed and you winning it in style in the end, mouthing provocative statements to satisfying your fans' craving to whistle for anything.

Vijay: That's great! But won't fans complain its another Ghilli?

Dharani: You are overestimating your fans sir. Anyways, to prevent that, we will make Trisha innocent and slutty. Remember she as innocent and homely in Ghilli. We will even tattoo some crap in her boobs and make sure the cleavage gets prominence. We can cover women audience by claiming we focussed a lot on the heroine!

Vijay: TeeHee! This film will surely be a hit! Udayanidhi Stalin is the Producer, which means Kalaignar TV will promote our movie for free! And don't forget the reference to my fans as "Annan Thambi" and also have a scene of me paying reverence to "Superstar" in at least 2 songs.

Dharani: Sure Sir, have already added them.

Vijay: Approm enna, Shooting Start!!!